Have you ever wondered what happened with someone you were dating? Did it seem like the relationship was going well and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the guy ended things? Have you thought about how you should or shouldn’t act on a first date and what your realistic expectations should be? These are all questions that we have probably asked ourselves, and it’s almost impossible for us to know what’s going on in the minds of the opposite sex. To help shed some light on these questions I reached out to one of my single male friends to get some answers. This blog is ghost-written by him, from his perspective. This account may not ring true for all men, but this blog is based on my friend’s own experiences and yes, these things really happened to him. This definitely gave me something to think about for future dates, and I hope it helps you, too.
“There are many ways to lose or win someone over during the dating process, beginning with the first date. So how do you keep a good thing going? From the start, cliché as it sounds, be yourself, your true self.
Dating had more failures than successes. We all try to make ourselves look our best when we’re trying to attract a potential date. The problem is that some go beyond their true selves to do so. I’m not talking just about appearances, but personality and who you really are as a person. For example, acting like you’re rich when you can barely afford rent or saying you’re 6ft tall in your dating profile when you’re really 5’7”. The point is all of the truths eventually come out no matter how you try and hide them, so be honest with yourself and you’ll get what you truly want in someone else.
First dates are inadvertent interviews. Like it or not, you’re being sized-up by the other person to see if you meet their standards. By being yourself, you’ll find that you may not win someone over immediately, and that’s OK. Move on to another date, that’s why it’s called “dating”. The worst thing you can do when you feel like you’re faltering during a date is overcompensate by being someone you’re not. Nothing looks worse than when you’re trying to be something or someone you’re not. Doing this, just to make conversation or to look good, is petty and I don’t know one person that hasn’t done this at one time or another. If you find yourself trying to be someone you’re not, then you have some reflecting to do. You can’t be right for someone else if you can’t be true to yourself.
Another thing that comes to up when you date is standards. We all have them, but knowing whether they’re realistic or not is the issue. I believe in having high standards, but believing that you have to have someone that has a dashing smile, chiseled looks, abs and a six-figure salary is a bit unreasonable for most people. I’m not saying that it’s unattainable, but you’re definitely narrowing your dating pool. If you only base your standards on your must-haves, then you need to be more reasonable. You’re most likely not going to get the complete package, but if you eventually do, or at least get someone that fulfills most of what you want in a partner, knowing how to keep them is a different ball game all together.
There are many ways relationships go south quickly during the early stages of dating. Again, being your true self from the get go will help you avoid some of these. Have you ever wondered why someone called it quits when you thought everything was going so well? Sometimes it’s from rushing into things too quickly, things just went downhill due to personality conflicts, or the downfall may have even been caused by you. There are some things that will get you booted quickly when dating, and here are a few: For me personally, the number one thing on my list is a jealous person. As a man, nothing bothers me more or shuts me down faster than someone who is jealous. For example, when you’re going out with friends and the person you’re dating asks: “Did you hug anyone?” “Did anyone flirt with you?” “Did you get any numbers?” These are signs of mistrust and insecurity and that doesn’t look good on anyone. If you want to keep the person you’re with, show them you trust them until they prove untrustworthy. Just because you’ve been hurt in the past, it doesn’t mean you should take it out on your new love interest.
Another unattractive quality is lying. What’s the point? If you can’t be honest with someone you care about, then why are you with them? Without honesty, there is no commitment.
For most of us, this next one will ring a bell; being overbearing or controlling. This is a nasty one because of how it sneaks up during a relationship. By that I mean that it’s not something that is always noticed right out of the gate, but in the end it is a relationship killer. It will kill a relationship even faster it it’s caught early on. Nobody wants to have a controlling partner. We’ve all probably dated that person who wants to know your every move, where you’ve been, or who you’ve been talking to. Some will even peruse through your social media and interrogate you on every one of your posts. Others will go as far as going through your phone. This is a really bad sign and most relationships don’t survive it. If you’re reading this and you are someone that does any of these things, acknowledge it and try to work on it. I promise you that no one finds this attractive.
Smothering. This trait is not seen for what it truly is sometimes. By that I mean that it’s often looked at as endearing, but too much is overwhelming. When you first start dating, and you really like someone, it’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be a part of every second of every day with them, but the reality is that a little time apart is healthy. You still need to acknowledge that you each have your own lives and allow yourselves to dedicate time for your friends, family, and your daily routines.
The phone. Stay off your phone when you’re on a date! I have literally stood up from a dinner table and left because the woman I was on a date with wouldn’t stop messing with her phone. She was a nice woman, funny, and we got along, but there’s a time and place for the phone. When you’re on a date it is not appropriate and it takes away from the moment that you should be sharing with the person in front of you. If the date is boring you to the degree that you have to play with your phone, then politely end it. It’s not that big of a deal. I’d rather not have my time wasted, or waste the other person’s time either.
The “L Word”. When is it appropriate to drop the love bomb? That’s hard to say, but it sure as hell isn’t after only a few dates, and doing so will often times create distance in a relationship. Even if you’re the type who falls in love quickly, you have to be careful not to play into those emotions too fast. I’ve had people tell me they loved me on the second date, and I really liked them, but talk about awkward! Whoa! All that did was made me back off and eventually it didn’t work out, so lesson learned.
There are probably a few more unattractive traits to touch on, but those are the ones I feel that most of us can sympathize with. I’m not suggesting that all people either currently have, or have had these issues or personality traits in the past; these are just some of my points of view from experiences I have had, and also some that some from experiences that others have shared with me.
In dating, as in life, there is no shortage of interesting experiences. Some are funny, and some we wish we could forget. We all have one thing in common though, and that’s that we’re all human and have our own faults and habits that may be right for some people and not for others. Dating and being in a relationship requires compromise. No one is perfect, and seeking perfection, or trying to change someone to attain it, is a long, lonely road. However, if you are really true to yourself, I mean really true, and set aside all of your faults, be who you are and not who you’ve been trying to be, not only will you find yourself, but just maybe in your quest for the right person you’ll end up being with someone that’s far from who you thought you desired, but deep down that’s who your soul truly wants. Until then, hang in there. You have to go through many weeds to get a rose.”
“You’ll know when a relationship is right for you. It will enhance your life, not complicate your life.” -Brigitte Nicole